Tuesday, October 18, 2011

not good enough

The last little while, every time I go to blog I end up wanting to vent dissatisfaction and frustration, so rather than fill this space with more negativity, I haven't posted. This blog is a personal blog as well as a crafty one, so I don't feel the need to keep my feelings and personality out of it as a rule. That said, when my thoughts are tending towards self-loathing rather than my usual cheerfully sarcastic look at my own faults, I stop and try not to flood the blog with it. I figure, nobody else wants to read that, and I'm not sure it even helps my state of mind to air it. On the off-chance it does help, and because I'm tired of censoring myself right now, here are some scattered thoughts.

It's a bad time to be mediocre, if there ever was a good time for it. I'm generally okay with my own failings, and treat them with the aforementioned cheerful sarcasm. I've never needed or wanted to be The Best at anything, objectively. I am good at many things, and as my blog title implies, I think I'm good enough at most things I work hard at; however, good enough isn't good enough right now.

On the other hand, I have generally had success in life so far, possibly due to privilege, possibly due to family support, possibly due to factors beyond my control, possibly due to my own skills. I think this is why my constant failure to get paid employment hurts me so much, other than the obvious financial burden of being unemployed. Perhaps I have some misplaced sense of entitlement; I've always been passably good at things, and even successful at them, so why can't I get hired now? Why do I suddenly have to be the very best? I have never failed so consistently in my life, and it doesn't feel great. I can hope that my experiences now will serve to kill that sense of entitlement so I can look on my situation more objectively and maybe make some changes for the better. I'm becoming increasingly convinced that I am far from good enough at the things that matter right now, i.e. being employable. The standard of good enough has gone up. There are so many people out of work that only the most brilliant get noticed. I resent that I have to exaggerate my good points to prove myself to faceless companies that proceed to ignore me anyway. I resent that none of the things I've tried so far have worked. Although I know there will always be more things to try and other avenues to explore, I resent that I have to pursue all those other routes. I am tired of trying, even though I haven't tried all the things. Resentment isn't helpful or rational, but it is still clinging to me as my dominant feeling through this process.

I had a job interview last week, a phone interview yesterday, and I'm going to an assessment centre this afternoon - more responses to my job applications than I've had in a while. This has to be a good thing, and I'm trying to be excited about it. Even a minimum wage retail seasonal Christmas job would be awesome. However, it's hard to stay enthusiastic about pretending to be the best when so few positives seem to come through at the end.